Francis Bacon once said “Knowledge is Power.” and my mind is like a spongy hard drive, anxious to download all that it can. I feel like a Super Sayian Nerd constantly and I feel I should share more about me here. Things like how I see myself and what I want to be. The more you know, the better prepared you are for the future. The best way to prepare yourself, is to know yourself. I have spent 23 Earth years (190 years by my count) learning who I am. This is what I have so far:
As I stated in “Day 2: Minor Details“, I am a people person. It has taken time and a lot of effort to shape me into who I am. My brother Jeff (Bluewolf) has helped me tremendously in learning about the power of self and the heart. At one time in my life (after a brief dark period) I had not believed in emotion and I was content with being devoid of feeling. I would not allow silly emotions distract me. This transition has taught me a great many things and I feel by doing it the way I had, I am, in a sense, stronger for it. I am still able to see the shadows in the night and I know the expectations of deceit, but I am now accepting and appreciating the lighter parts to everything.
I know I am not perfect. I am one of the many flawed and broken hearts that inhabit our world. I fear loss with all that I am and I sometimes seem overbearing because I always want to shower those closest to me with love and attention. I am very intelligent but at times I can come off as rude because while I accept and acknowledge my mistakes or wrongs, I am so much more often right. I am prideful, stubborn, and I have a deep offense to ignorance. I just feel if there is a chance to know, there is no reason not to, especially if the answers are so simple. I am emotionally broken and mentally conflicted most days. My flaws help me identify my abilities.
“Even the knowledge of my own fallibility cannot keep me from making mistakes. Only when I fall do I get up again.”
– Vincent Van Gogh
I know I am loyal, trusting, honest and selfless. I am caring, respectful and intuitive. I am bold but often hesitant. I am persistent and forgiving. I am hopeful and confident. I am a leader and a follower. I am patient and analytical. I am cautious and curious. My mind is often speaking to me about random things at random times. An example is my mind has told me that I think on a Ying/Yang wave. I will often try to see the light and dark side everything before taking action. I often feel the need to believe in Karma. One of my biggest flaws is over-thinking things. Sometimes the twelve minds are made to organize for one idea and it becomes far more complicated than it should. These are all things I know about myself. There are also things I have glimpsed but have still yet learned. In my previous post “Shadows of the Past” I listed twelve words that embody what I have experienced in life so far. Some of these ideas were good, while others were not. I feel these ideas are a constant in my life so they appear while the twelve minds are viewing my memories.
“A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.”
Deceit I have experienced on a few occasions because I always see the best in people. I want to think everyone is inherently good. I trust others to think like I do and it always causes more harm than good.
Prosperity is something I have barely witnessed. While I feel successful in my growth as a person, my financial and emotional wealth is not quite what I wish they were. I have moments where I have been in a very good place but my willingness to offer anything I have to anyone who needs it slows my personal prosperity.
Confidence comes pretty easy to me because I constantly seek knowledge. My confidence is sometimes battling my doubt but I have seen doubt fail much more often. Doubt however, is not the only confidence attacker. Fear plays a big part in the ideas behind my mind. Fear of judgment, fear of doubt, fear of loss and fear of misunderstanding. Fear attacks my confidence and flays open my mind to make it vulnerable.
Loss is when my mind accepts the defeat that seems so inevitable and my confidence broken. My life has many voids in it that may never be filled because of the losses I have incurred. Many times I find myself in a position where I have two choices and they both result in a loss.
Unyielding Loyalty is how I express my love for my closest relationships. I will remain loyal to the bone for any of the people I care about but my flaw with this is that I continue to do so, even after I am deceived by someone. I am loyal to those that hurt me because my loyalty is provided without end.
Honesty is how I express my respect for others. I find no reason to lie because then I would have to remember the story and honestly, that is not something I need to bother my already busy mind with.
Integrity is how I prove that I am a good person. I like to do what is best or right even if I am not praised or thanked for it. I do whatever I can to make every situation better because I consider what kind of experience I would want from it.
Doubt is the little stink pellet that crawls into my mind to infect my confidence and my prosperity. It shows up to make me rethink what I have done or what I am preparing to do.
Love is the strange emotion that has caused so much pain in my life. I have felt the deeper part of this emotion twice so far in my lifetime and each time I have fallen victim to deceit, doubt and fear, only to lose what I could have had. I am a hopeless romantic and I fall kind of easy but despite the dreams of being loved, I find only pain.
“Love, we say, is life; but love without hope and faith is agonizing death.”
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing in the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
-Gilbert K. Chesterton
Trust is coordinated with honesty. I think of myself as a person that is highly trusted because I am honest and intelligent. I show others that I can trust them and it allows them to realize that they can trust me. With my unyielding loyalty I am a locking trap for trust. Once I have gained it, I will do anything I can to keep it.
Inspiration is the final idea and this is because it is what I require to keep on keeping on. I am a man of many ideas and talents but I am always trying to prove my abilities to myself.
At the end of the “Shadows of the Past” there was one word that was left. The 13th idea formed from the fusion of the other twelve. This word is Hope. Interestingly, by sheer coincidence it was my thirteenth post when I wrote about “Hope” (See Day 13: Hope). This idea is what keeps my days going. This is what I live for.
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie
All in all, the more you know and understand about yourself, the better you will fare in the war of life. The battles for love and trust will wage and the afflictions of deceit and loss will cripple. I want to be happy. I want to be hopeful. I want to be loved and I want to give love, hope and happiness. I want to walk a lifelong journey with the greatest person I know. Here’s to that dream. Here’s to that Hope.